Forgiveness For My Father

I never felt safe
In his presence
Never
There was a sense of relief
The day I walked away
Though I was just a child

I was filled with
Sadness
Grief
Anger
Anticipation
What will it be like
Without him

I built a small fire
Flamed by his
Photos
Cards
Mementos

Tears threatened to dampen the burn
I pulled back
Allowing it to rage once more

I had been betrayed
Let down
Disappointed
By someone who was suppose to
Matter
Be there
Protect
Teach
Guide

He was incapable
He was a child himself
Trapped in a mans body
Solely longing to
Play
Get in trouble
Make jokes
Run from responsibility

Before he died
He asked…
“Does it make me a bad person
That if I had to go back and do it all over again
I would do it the same exact way”

I sat in shock
As there was no awareness
Of his impact on those around him
I sat in awe
At his peace
At his rawness
At his clear attachment
To something much greater then me

A pattern of avoidance
A pattern of debauchery
A pattern of escape
A pattern of complete ignorance of its own existence

With this new awareness of HIM
My answer came simply as
“No DAD… It doesn’t
I can only hope that I feel the same way
As you do one day
What a gift that would be
To be as content as you are
Being you”

What a gift
Indeed
It was to see him
Really see him
For the first time
Not from need
Not from judgment
Not from pain

Everything dropped away
That day
Sadness
Grief
Anger

It became so clear
His behavior toward me

Wasn’t personal

It was all he had
All he was capable of being

It wasn’t personal